Couples Recovery Check-In Guide

A structured ritual for communication, connection, and growth in recovery.

Purpose

This guide is designed for couples seeking emotional safety and spiritual connection through recovery principles.
It offers practical frameworks to help partners:

  • Communicate authentically

  • Listen without defensiveness

  • Repair after rupture

  • Maintain emotional and spiritual intimacy

This guide integrates several proven connection models:

  • PIES – Holistic self-assessment (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual)

  • Imago Dialogue – Empathic listening and validation

  • FANOS – A simple, structured daily/weekly recovery check-in

  • SAFER – A reflection and repair process for handling conflict or emotional rupture

Use weekly, bi-weekly, or daily depending on your needs.

1. Setting the Scene

Create a consistent rhythm:

  • Choose a quiet, private space and time.

  • Begin with a moment of grounding (breathing, prayer, affirmation).

  • Turn off phones and devices.

  • Agree to listen and reflect, not fix or debate.

Tone:
Gentle honesty, emotional curiosity, and grace for imperfection.

2. The PIES Check-In

PIES provides a balanced self-assessment across four dimensions of personal well-being.

Each partner takes turns sharing how they’ve been doing in each area:

Category Reflection Prompts Physical How’s my body? Am I resting, eating, and moving in healthy ways? Do I feel connected or distant physically (including intimacy)? Intellectual What’s been stimulating or challenging my mind this week? What have I been learning or thinking about? Emotional What feelings have I been experiencing? What’s been hard or joyful? Spiritual How am I connecting to my Higher Power, purpose, or values?

Format:

  1. Partner A shares; Partner B mirrors.

  2. Partner B shares; Partner A mirrors.

  3. No advice, only reflection and validation.

Example:
“Emotionally, I’ve felt tense and preoccupied.”
→ “I hear that you’ve felt tense and distracted lately.”

3. The Imago Dialogue

Used for deeper or more sensitive topics.

Steps:

  1. Sender: Shares one feeling, thought, or need using “I” statements.

  2. Receiver: Practices mirroring, validation, and empathy.

Structure:

  • Mirroring: “What I hear you saying is…”

  • Validation: “That makes sense because…”

  • Empathy: “I imagine you might be feeling…”

Example:

Partner A: “When you shut down, I feel abandoned.”
Partner B: “I hear you saying that when I shut down, you feel abandoned. That makes sense because it feels like I’m not there for you. I imagine that feels lonely.”

Then switch roles.

4. The FANOS Check-In

A quick, structured connection tool (great for daily or weekly use).
Each letter represents a prompt for open sharing:

Letter Meaning Prompts F – Feelings What am I feeling right now? Name 1–2 emotions honestly. A – Affirmation What do I appreciate about my partner today? Recognize effort, growth, or presence. N – Need What do I need right now (from myself, my partner, or my Higher Power)? Be direct but kind. O – Ownership What’s one thing I did this week that I need to own? Acknowledge behaviors, mistakes, or slip-ups. S – Sobriety/Spirituality How am I doing with my recovery or spiritual practice? Share wins, struggles, or intentions.

Example:

F – I feel hopeful but tired.
A – I appreciate how you made space for us to talk last night.
N – I need reassurance that we’re okay.
O – I got defensive during our talk and I’m sorry.
S – I’ve been consistent with meetings and prayer this week.

5. The SAFER Model

For processing conflict, rupture, or tension in a non-blaming way.

Letter Focus Prompts S – Self-Awareness What am I feeling and what’s underneath it? What’s my part? A – Accountability What behavior or attitude of mine contributed? F – Forgiveness Can I forgive myself or my partner for being human? E – Empathy Can I imagine what this felt like for them? R – Repair/Restoration What action can rebuild trust or connection?

Example:

“I realize I shut down when I felt criticized. That wasn’t fair to you. I can see how that made you feel alone. I’m sorry — I’ll try to stay present next time.”

6. Recovery Reflection

A chance to align your relationship and recovery progress.

Prompts:

  • What’s working well in my recovery this week?

  • What triggered or challenged me?

  • How did I show up for our relationship?

  • What’s one thing I’ll work on next week?

7. Gratitude & Connection

End with grounding and affection:

  • Share one specific appreciation for your partner.

  • Do one connection gesture (hug, prayer, affirmation, holding hands).

“I’m grateful for your patience and for how you keep showing up even when it’s hard.”

8. Guidelines for Safety

  • No fixing, debating, or interrupting.

  • Speak from the “I.”

  • If either person becomes reactive, pause and reset.

  • Confidentiality: What’s shared stays between you.

  • End every session with connection, not tension.