Intimacy Avoidance:

Understanding & Overcoming It

TYPES OF INTIMACY

1. Emotional – Sharing feelings openly.

2. Physical – Touch, affection, sexual closeness.

3. Intellectual – Sharing thoughts & ideas.

4. Experiential – Doing activities together.

5. Spiritual – Sharing values & beliefs.

6. Creative – Collaborating to make something.

7. Conflict – A deeper connection that forms by openly and honestly facing and resolving conflicts and disagreements. ”Repairing”

WHAT IS INTIMACY AVOIDANCE?

Intimacy avoidance refers to a pattern of behavior where individuals actively avoid or distance themselves from emotional closeness and vulnerability in relationships.

Common signs:

  • Surface-level conversations/emotionless/logical

  • Avoiding emotional needs of self and others

  • Distracting with work/hobbies/anything

  • Ending relationships when they deepen

  • Separation, escape and silent treatment

WHY DO I AVOID INTIMACY

•Early rejection, shame, or conflict around closeness from childhood (before 10 years old)

•Cultural messages: Don’t ask stupid questions, Handle it yourself, Men don’t show emotions!

•Avoidance = Safety,

•Love = Pain,

Intimacy = Fear

How to Get Better at Intimacy

•Be open: 'I feel nervous sharing this’, create a “safe space agreement” with spouse

•Be patient: with yourself: intimacy grows gradually and may feel very uncomfortable or painful at first

•Be present: eye contact, listen fully with empathy and patience. Possibly hold hands of spouse

•Seek self-regulation: pause, breathe when closeness feels overwhelming or “the past” arises, remember this is a “we are learning” conversation

•Seek Understanding: ‘State what you heard so they know you hear them and be curious with what they say

•Seek feedback: 'How can I connect with you better next time?'

KEY TAKEAWAYS

  1. Intimacy Avoidance is common but is not permanent.

  2. With small, intentional steps, we can move from avoidance → connection → deeper, healthier   relationships.

  3. Both start with creating three small invitations for intimacy this week. (A short text, a shared cup of coffee, a two-minute honest check-in.)

  4. Both name the need behind a strong emotion once this week: “I’m scared because I need….”

  5. Practice repair in the moment: if you or your partner pull away, say the words, “I’m sorry. I got scared. Can we try again?”

This is a presentation that was given by a couple in RCA at the annual Houston area RCA retreat. Below are citations and references.

John Bowlby
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Bessel van der Kolk
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Brené Brown
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. Gotham Books.

Peter A. Levine
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. North Atlantic Books.

John Gottman
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishing.

Restoring Hope RCA
Restoring Hope RCA. (n.d.). Intimacy Avoidance: Understanding & Overcoming It.
https://www.restoringhoperca.com/intimacy-avoidance-understanding-and-overcoming-it