Restoring Hope R.C.A.

We live in a culture in which the average couple spends less than twenty-seven and a half minutes engaged in direct conversation together per week. Recovering people, however, know the price of neglected relationships. The old compulsions and obsessions drained our energy and occupied our time. In our pain and anger, we probably communicated even less than the meager national average. One of the gifts of recovery is the knowledge that what we wanted all along was intimacy. We were seduced into taking care of our pain in unhealthy ways, as opposed to the closeness we could offer each other.

Our commitment today

Today we will schedule intimate time. We will remember from our past experiences that intimacy is an accumulation of little moments as well as large blocks of time.

My commitment today

Today I will remember that my past obsessions were a way to avoid my feelings and life choices and that what I really needed was support and nurturing.

Pg 233 - 234

Couples experience more stress now than perhaps at any other time in history. For example, this is the first time in history that humankind has expected just two people to raise children. Parents in the eighteenth century typically had more childcare options than we have now. In earlier times, extended family and friends were available for help. Now, we live in neighborhoods and apartments in which we largely do not know others. Further, on average, we move every three years, which is about the time it takes to become rooted in a community. Clearly, our culture does not support those of us in recovery who come from families already isolated and incapable of asking for help.

Our commitment today

Today we will acknowledge to each other our need for others to support our life as relationship partners. We need that support and community so that we do not return to being isolated from each other and the rest of the world. We will seek ways to add to our community.

My commitment today

Today I will remember that there are my partner's friends, there are my friends, and there are our friends together. All three are indispensable for recovery.

Pg 234

Many of us experience shame about our coupleships. We think others will not want to be with us as couples. We may be embarrassed about past behaviors. We may still distrust being with others because we fear old behaviors might return. Or we may feel so shameful, we cannot believe that "good" people would enjoy us, accept our struggles, and share themselves with us. Sometimes we fear others will see realities about ourselves which we either do not perceive, or do not wish to admit to ourselves. Sometimes we fail to share these feelings with others.

Our commitment today

Today we will reflect on how we feel about being with others. Do we have shame about our coupleship? What strengths do we I have to offer others? What agreements or boundaries do we need to feel safe in public? Would it help for us to talk to other couples about our feelings?

My commitment today

Today I will work on accepting our progress as sufficient and focus on our strengths. I will comment aloud to my partner during the day about positive aspects of our being together.

Pg 235

As individuals have self-concepts, couples have an "us" concept. How couples perceive their coupleships will profoundly affect their well-being. In our individual recoveries, we learned that how we talked about ourselves or to ourselves had a direct impact on our self-worth. Self-pity, self-blame, and self-judgment always added to the burden and worsened the situation. The same principle applies to coupleships. When we judge each other or the coupleship harshly, or indulge in another round of "ain't it awful being together," we remain stuck in the old patterns. Our recovery demands that we extend to our coupleship that essential gentleness which was fundamental to forgiving ourselves.

Our commitment today

Today we will seek to treat gently our time together. We will accept the fact that intimacy is difficult, especially for recovering people. We will be forgiving of "us," and easy with one another. We will allow our sense of humor to be our guide.

My commitment today

Today I will not take myself too seriously. Rather I will look for ways to be good to myself and my partner. I will remind myself that I do not have the power necessary to fix the things about which I am obsessive, especially those things I see as "faults" in my partner.

Pg 236

A coupleship is a "blending of epics." Both partners carry within them the story of the previous generations. Recovering people coming from dysfunctional families often have bitter histories. Part of powerlessness is growing up in relationships where seemingly the only options were avoidance, addiction, or codependency. As we grow in recovery, we understand more fully the impact of our families on how we relate to others. Sadly, we also have to recognize how our distrust, fear, and anger can easily be misplaced on our current partners, who do not deserve it. Part of our progress is to recognize that although we can no longer alter old family ties, we can do something about our current coupleship.

Our commitment today

Today we will remind ourselves how far we have come from the old family pains. We will refuse to allow our addictive inheritances to interfere with how we interact with each other. One step we can take is to ask ourselves if we are upset about family- of-origin issues.

My commitment today

Today I will be conscious of patterns from my addictive past.

Pg 237

Many people experience their spirituality as individuals in solitude. Still others experience spiritual connection in community-a church or Twelve-Step group, for example. We may find one-to-one spirituality more frightening because sharing our conscious contact is one of the most intimate things we can do. The risk of being spiritually vulnerable to our partner, who knows us, is profoundly different from solitude. As with so many other risks in our recoveries, the greater our vulnerability, the deeper our potential growth. Remember, we "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to commitment and intimacy."

Our commitment today

Today we will explore what risks we are willing to take with each other spiritually. How do we use the Second and Third Steps in our daily lives together? How prepared are we to turn our coupleship over to a power greater than ourselves?

My commitment today

Today I will ask myself what spiritual risk I am willing to take with my partner.

Pg 238

One of the most difficult times in a coupleship occurs when both partners are depleted and "over the edge." Traditional wisdom has it that if we cannot get support from our partners, we should seek it from others individually. Another option exists. Part of recovery for coupleships is to develop a network of other couples who can be there for us during tough moments. Having such friendships in our lives will enhance our recovery if we develop them and call on our friends when we need them.

Our commitment today

Today we will talk about who in our network we can call when we are both overwhelmed. What kinds of excuses would we use to avoid calling them?

My commitment today

Today I will remember that building support for my coupleship is another way of taking care of myself.

Pg 239

Blaming our partners is probably the worst thing we can do in our relationship. The dynamic becomes so familiar that we are unaware when we do it. Clues exist, however, to indicate when we are blaming. When we make absolute statements about the person such as, "You always do this" or "You are so..." or "You are such..." we are making blaming statements. If we critique the behavior ("I don't like this behavior") and not the person, we will be taking responsibility for what concerns us-and not pushing all the responsibility to our partners.

Our commitment today

Today we will agree to talk about our concerns respectfully. We will discuss how we can affirm each other and still have our issues heard.

My commitment today

Today I will take responsibility for what concerns me, instead of blaming my partner.

Pg 240

Every couple has an issue that appears unsolvable. No matter how often it is discussed, or what solutions are tried, the problem does not go away. Here is where the program can really help. In our addiction and codependency, we try harder to solve a problem only to have the situation worsen. However, when we admit our powerlessness and seek help, we may be able to make progress or at least come to acceptance of the issue. Similarly, part of a First Step as a couple is to recognize powerlessness over that "unsolvable issue." By admitting the issue, a couple gains support from others who have experienced similar patterns in their recoveries.

Our commitment today

Today we will discuss one of our unsolvable issues and commit to seeking support. We will remind each other that we are not alone in having difficult issues that refuse to go away.

My commitment today

Today I will be patient with my partner, and remember that we are powerless over certain issues.

Pg 241

Family researchers have long noted that marital satisfaction declines markedly in most couples when their children become teenagers and returns when those adolescents become adults. The lesson to be learned is that stress takes a toll on the quality of coupleships. Most couples will face stress over finances, moving to a new location, loss of a job, and so forth. Many stressors are unavoidable. We cannot change, for example, the turmoil that adolescence brings to our children. What we can do is seek support from other couples who experience similar stress to try to minimize its impact.

Our commitment today

Today, following "The Serenity Prayer," we will try to recognize those "things over which we have no power," and try "to change the things we can." We will pray for "the wisdom to know the difference."

My commitment today

Today I will support my partner by recognizing our limits and reaching out for couple support. I will try to be gentle with my partner and myself.

Pg 242

A child takes her mother's shoes off and plays with them. She struggles to get them back on her mom's feet. She experiments, testing various ways to get them to fit. What started as play evolves into a challenge and a struggle. She works hard to master how shoes and feet fit together. Her parent, being wise about learning, resists the impulse to show her how they fit. She knows that it is more important for the child to develop the capability to make sense out of her world than to know about shoes. So she watches patiently with care and, at times, amusement. She reflects that perhaps this is how God watches over our couple- ships as we try to make things "fit"-patient, wise, caring, and perhaps sometimes amused.

Our commitment today

Today we will meditate on the reality that our struggle should not only be to solve any given problem, but also to add to our understanding of the world. Today we will share how being with each other has expanded our perceptions.

My commitment today

Today I will ask for the wisdom to appreciate my coupleship and all its accompanying struggles as central to my ability to see purpose in my life.

Pg 243

Nature teaches about growth in many ways. We need only walk through a forest or desert to see the interdependency of creatures, plants, and environment. We can gaze at a body of water from ocean to small pond and marvel at the complex relationships that make for thriving growth. The urge to be together for safety, comfort, reproduction, and play is one of the fundamental driving forces of the universe. We might reflect on how a couple is part of a total ecology and grand design. It helps us keep perspective on overwhelming issues when we see we are simply a small part of the ecology of creation.

Our commitment today

Today we will make an effort to connect with nature. We will arrange to be in an environment where we can see the interdependent relationships and sense the renewing energy of nature.

My commitment today

Today I will focus on my senses and how I experience nature.

Pg 244

We all can reflect on moments of despair when our lives seemed to have totally unraveled. Our life seemed hopeless. Our pain could have come from either circumstances beyond our control or our own choices. Either way, recovery teaches us that these low points can actually serve as gifts in our lives. Without the pain, we would not have the motivation change for the better. The losses can actually give us new life, with new wisdom. As couples we demonstrate to one another our capacity to transform despair into individual growth.

Our commitment today

Today we will share with each other a moment of despair that spurred us to develop as more mature persons. We will remind ourselves that extreme difficulty is part of the renewing process, and that we shall have such moments again. We can prepare by strengthening our coupleship so we can draw strength from each other when facing despair.

My commitment today

Today I will share a memory of how my partner supported me when I was despairing.

Pg 244

Sensuality is fundamental. How we notice our environment- how we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste it-is vital to our total experience of life. Our appreciation of sensuality will give basic vitality to our sexual relationship. But if we do not attend to our senses, our sexuality is diminished. As recovering persons, we know that we need to stay in the present as opposed to the tormented past or the uncertain future. Living in awareness of our senses is the gateway to living in the present. More than stopping to smell the roses, sensuality is a direct path to "spirituality." Being in touch with our senses will help us to be present for each other both spiritually and sexually.

Our commitment today

Today we will talk about how sensually aware we are. We will focus on simple ways to be sensually present for each other. For example, we can notice the food we eat, the beauty of a tree, the grace of a bird's flight, the light of a full moon, or the color of our partner's eyes.

My commitment today

Today I will be present by heeding my senses. I will make a special effort to notice what is attractive about my partner.

Pg 246

Recovering people have difficulty accepting help. Our reluctance likely stems from early life experiences. We may have been disappointed and hurt when help was necessary but not given. We may grieve promises of help that never materialized. We may resent having a sense of obligation. For whatever reason, we decided to go it alone and not rely on others. But in such a commitment we become vulnerable to addiction and codependency. What we needed was help, but the only relief we found was in our obsessions. Couple recovery needs acceptance of help from each other and from other couples.

Our commitment today

Today we will ask ourselves how well we accept help from each other and how well we accept help as a couple. What specific needs do we have at this moment for which we resist asking for help?

My commitment today

Today I will remember to ask for help from my partner and others in recovery.

Pg 247

Food, exercise, and rest all enhance healthy living. Sometimes the choices present significant issues for couples, as when a partner smokes or decides to become vegetarian. We can't control what our partner does, but we can usually discuss our lifestyle choices with our partner. Comfortable resolution of these issues is one of the basic elements of recovery, but sadly, many of us simply let our lifestyles happen. Making healthy lifestyle choices will have greater success if we have our partner's support. Physical well-being has a profound impact on emotional well-being.

Our commitment today

Today we will ask each other how comfortable we are with our physical well-being. Do we need to set aside time to really talk through some changes? What pride can we take in how our lifestyle supports recovery?

My commitment today

Today I will think about my role as a "lifestyle" partner. As part of my inventory, I will meditate on the ways I currently do not contribute to a healthy lifestyle, and also on what gifts of health my partner has given me.

Pg 248

When a child is ten years old, the passage of a year seems an eternity; yet for an adult a year seems very short. The percentages explain this difference in perception. One year equals 10 percent of the child's life yet it is only 2.5 percent of a forty year old's life. The adult's perception not only shifts because the time is less by comparison, it also shifts because we typically become inundated with the minutiae of daily life, and seem unable to take the time to "smell the roses." Couples can also experience a diminished sense of time the longer they are together if they don't focus on their intimate moments together. As recovering couples, we need to regain the perspective of a ten-year-old, when the world was fresh and full of wonder. This can start a day at a time by focusing on the wonder of our lives.

Our commitment today

Today we will talk about how we would spend the day if we were both ten years old. Then we will reflect on what that means for us in living the RCA program today. We will commit to a time to be carefree ten-year-olds together.

My commitment today

Today I will connect with the child within me so that I am able to reclaim my enthusiasm, earnestness, and playfulness. I will focus on being as open to the world as a ten-year-old.

Pg 249

In our coupleships there are situations and behaviors that are difficult to disclose and discuss with our partner. The raw exposure of being fully known can be a very frightening experience. If we choose to disclose behaviors and situations to our partner today, there is always a possibility that these disclosures will be used against us in the future. Instead of the dance of mistrust and fear, we can choose to look at our willingness to be open as an invitation to a renewed life in recovery. Remembering first to do no harm, admitting something to our partner does not have to be graceful, articulate, or fully thought out. Even the half- understood and the elusive perception can be clarified simply by sharing.

Our commitment today

Today we will reflect on how open we are to admitting to each other the difficult things about ourselves. Have we created an accepting climate in which we feel safe to admit to our partner our most secret fears and thoughts?

My commitment today

Today I will reflect on what I have been unwilling to share with my partner. If I am unsure about sharing, I will check it out with my sponsor or others in my fellowship.

Pg 250

In our coupleships there are situations and behaviors that are difficult to disclose and discuss with our partner. The raw exposure of being fully known can be a very frightening experience. If we choose to disclose behaviors and situations to our partner today, there is always a possibility that these disclosures will be used against us in the future. Instead of the dance of mistrust and fear, we can choose to look at our willingness to be open as an invitation to a renewed life in recovery. Remembering first to do no harm, admitting something to our partner does not have to be graceful, articulate, or fully thought out. Even the half- understood and the elusive perception can be clarified simply by sharing.

Our commitment today

Today we will reflect on how open we are to admitting to each other the difficult things about ourselves. Have we created an accepting climate in which we feel safe to admit to our partner our most secret fears and thoughts?

My commitment today

Today I will reflect on what I have been unwilling to share with my partner. If I am unsure about sharing, I will check it out with my sponsor or others in my fellowship.

Pg 250

Many of us have experienced hardships in our lives. Unfortunately, recovery does not ensure that difficult times will not recur. In that sense the First Step is an introductory course to the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer; we must understand that there is much in our lives over which we will remain powerless. We must incorporate that understanding into our coupleships. For every couple there will be moments when one partner will flounder and experience deep pain while all the other can do is witness the suffering. At that point, the Steps become vital guides to how to be respectful toward each other. First, there is a deep acknowledgment of personal powerlessness and admitting the limits of our help. Next is an act of faith that a Higher Power is at work for our partner and for ourselves. Finally, the fellowship can support us.

Our commitment today

Today we will share a memory of when each could only witness the other's struggle. We will recommit to enduring those difficult transactions.

My commitment today

Today I will remember how the Steps can be guidelines in respecting my partner.

Pg 252

Coupleship partners can share in delusion. When neither partner faces reality, we are vulnerable to the old obsessions. Healthy coupleship means deep dedication to reality, whatever the cost. Twelve-Step wisdom has always urged us to go to "any lengths" to stay real. So when faced with possible problems-such as aging parents, addicted teenagers, limited finances, or unhealthy lifestyles-we need to be willing to discuss them with our partner, and then take the action to confirm or deny the existence of these problems. One of the last things we need in recovery is shared denial.

Our commitment today

Today we will share questions and worries about problems we may not have acknowledged. To what lengths will we go to stay real?

My commitment today

Today I will share my concerns with my partner. Facing denial starts with listening to my inner voice that tells me something is uncomfortable or not right.

Pg 253

If we love our partners and wish to be intimate with them, we have to be prepared to disagree with them. Arguing may be one of the most positive forms of intimacy, and as we practice being informed by our emotions, anger may be one of the most significant of the coupleship gifts. To quarrel confidently with our partner indicates that we value and respect our partner as an adult who can handle it. To avoid conflict is to diminish our partner, leave issues unresolved, and constrict all feelings, including joy, tenderness, and care. Before recovery, we had battles over right and wrong. We escalated issues into crises during which our obsessions would thrive. We preferred dramatic exits to being clear about our feelings. Now we try to avoid self- righteousness and blame, and we strive for honesty and accuracy. We work for resolution, not crisis. We try to not damage each other, leave out extraneous issues, not abandon each other, and remember our partner could be right.

Our commitment today

Today we will share our insecurities about anger and how we will respect each other in conflict.

My commitment today

Today I am not going to avoid conflict. I will be real with people and set aside my fears about the reactions of others, especially my partner.

Pg 254

Because of our histories we have learned to tolerate pain. Most people who experience pain make changes to reduce or eliminate it. A basic principle of self-care and self-respect demands that we take action. For those of us who relied on addictive obsessions to cope with pain, confronting our tolerance of pain becomes difficult. We are used to hurting. Physically, we ignore tiredness, full bladders, soreness, and discomfort. We sustain personal emptiness and shame. In our coupleships, we bury our feelings, allowing disrespect to continue. As couples, we "adjust" to pain. Intolerable situations exist in which both partners simply try harder. Recovery means both partners working together to develop intolerance of pain.

Our commitment today

Today we will talk of ways we hurt together. We will decide on which steps to take action, and when we will take those steps.

My commitment today

Today I will tune in to any pain to which I may have become accustomed. I will make an effort to report this to my partner.

Pg 255

Recovery requires a commitment to physical health. For years, many of us ignored our bodies and nearly destroyed one of our best bridges to emotional well-being. Solid exercise and eating well are proven contributors to psychological health. We need to be good consumers of health information. We can make changes that would improve our quality of life. The cooperation and support of our partners, however, is key. In our co-dependency we had an investment in our partner's illness(es). Now, in recovery, we invest in our partner's health and our own health. Couples can do much together to mutually support each other in physical training programs for recovery.

Our commitment today

Today we will talk about what we can do together to improve our physical health. Do we need more information? How can we support each other?

My commitment today

Today I will think about how I feel about my body and how I can live my commitment to physical health.

Pg 256

In many ways, an intimate coupleship parallels a Fifth Step. Part of the healing of a Fifth Step is to be fully known-both strengths and liabilities-and accepted. Coupleships heal when we accept our partner's strengths and liabilities. Problems emerge when we control, shame, limit, or abandon our partners because we find they have either threatening strengths or disappointing liabilities. Honesty between two people does not mean that one or the other is diminished. Rather, honesty reflects a fundamental acceptance of our limitations and support for our humanness.

Our commitment today

Today we will share our acceptance of each other and commitment to healing by being honest with each other.

My commitment today

Today I will be gentle with myself by accepting my imperfections. I will challenge that part of myself which says nothing I do is good enough.

Pg 257

In many ways, an intimate coupleship parallels a Fifth Step. Part of the healing of a Fifth Step is to be fully known-both strengths and liabilities-and accepted. Coupleships heal when we accept our partner's strengths and liabilities. Problems emerge when we control, shame, limit, or abandon our partners because we find they have either threatening strengths or disappointing liabilities. Honesty between two people does not mean that one or the other is diminished. Rather, honesty reflects a fundamental acceptance of our limitations and support for our humanness.

Our commitment today

Today we will share our acceptance of each other and commitment to healing by being honest with each other.

My commitment today

Today I will be gentle with myself by accepting my imperfections. I will challenge that part of myself which says nothing I do is good enough.

Pg 258

Most of us remember times we were upset and in turmoil. With the passage of time, however, we can put these periods in perspective, realizing that the pain we experienced was necessary for us to grow. Or we might recognize that our self-righteousness and indignation were exercises in blaming others for what we had brought on ourselves. We spent needless emotional energy feeling shame. The program of recovery reminds us that much exists over which we have no power, that we need to take personal responsibility for ourselves, and that there is a Higher Power we can trust. As partners committed to a Twelve-Step process together, we can support each other to take those lessons about our painful past and apply them to create a more balanced and serene present.

Our commitment today

Today we can make a pact with each other about how to support each other when we get upset.

My commitment today

Today I will focus on a painful situation and reflect on what I learned from the experience.

Pg 259

When disagreements arise, both partners are likely to say, "I don't feel respected." Two very significant questions are often overlooked. First, did I act respectably and respectfully? Were my behaviors and attitudes consistently straightforward and respectable? And second, was I respectful? Did I avoid shaming, abusive, and inappropriate treatment of my partner? Was my anger constructive or destructive? When issues existed, did I work to ensure that my partner did not feel diminished by our process? Acting respectably and being respectful creates an integrity that commands respect.

Our commitment today

Today we will recommit to mutual respect.

My commitment today

Today I commit to being respectable and respectful in my relationship.

Pg 260

Most addicted or dysfunctional couples do not have equality in their coupleship before recovery. Usually one partner is considered less responsible than the other, and treated more as a child, while the other assumes the role of the adult. The search for equality starts with making individual amends to each other, and with forgiveness. Next, we separate our partner's happiness from our own. No longer do we accept that our current emotional state is dependent on what our partner is thinking or doing. Our goal is for a happiness dependent on our own internal values such as those learned in individual recovery, not in en- meshment with our partners. Once we both understand this principle, we can distinguish what we have in common from what is enmeshment.

Another focus might be on our differences. Differences can expand our available options, making our coupleships stronger. Equality emerges when differences become assets and sources of new options versus irritants and sources of shame. Equality rests on respect for the strengths in the other's differences.

Our commitment today

Today we share a difference we respect in each other.

My commitment today

Today I will acknowledge to myself a difference in my partner that I find irritating and work to see how that difference might be seen as a strength.

Pg 261

Coupleships grow through risk-taking. We find new perspectives on each other as we take risks. Recovery presents many opportunities to take risks: new ways of being together, new strategies for sharing, new levels of honesty, new people, and new ways to support each other. Among the risks, the greatest is for partners to share vulnerability with each other. Risk always feels new and unsettling. By sharing with each other the vulnerability we feel about our risk-taking, our opportunities for intimacy and support grow.

Our commitment today

Today we will assess our current level of risk-taking. Are we doing enough to keep the process of renewal alive

My commitment today

Today I will share with my partner my vulnerability around risks I am now taking.

Pg 262

RCA Twelve-Step work offers valuable opportunities to heal deep spiritual wounds. A spiritual relationship is one that challenges us to grow. The function of a spiritual relationship is to provide opportunities to heal. In this sense, our partner presents us with opportunities to grow spiritually by learning to practice forgiveness, acceptance, trust, tolerance, patience, and compassion. There may well be people who would be easier to get along with, but would they help us grow spiritually? We heal as we grow spiritually. Seeing our coupleships as opportunities to grow and heal can strengthen our commitment to stay together until the miracle happens.

Our commitment today

Today we will try to appreciate the opportunities for healing we present to each other. We will agree to view these challenges as opportunities to find the spiritual principles needed to heal each situation. We will try to practice forgiveness, acceptance, trust, tolerance, patience, and compassion.

My commitment today

Today I will be grateful each time my partner provides me an opportunity to express forgiveness, patience, trust, tolerance, and compassion. I will see these as gifts from my partner.

Pg 263

Acceptance is essential to serenity in our coupleship. Within that simple word lies the key to happiness. When we first come into RCA, the word "acceptance" most likely means that we need to tolerate the situation in which we find ourselves to begin to grow together. As we begin to tolerate our partners (in spite of the many things we find wrong with them), we slowly come to find out they were tolerating us--and the many things they also found wrong with us!

To develop tolerance, we need to call a truce in the war raging in our relationship. In RCA we refer to this as "Calling a Moratorium." Once we decide to do this, we can begin to use the Twelve Steps and Tools of RCA to develop acceptance of ourselves and each other. When we can accept ourselves and our partner, we are on the road to recovery.

Our commitment today

Today when we quarrel, we will use the tools we have learned. We can call a moratorium or use a Fair Fighting Contract. We will pray for guidance to achieve acceptance of ourselves and of our partner.

My commitment today

Today if I am upset, I will ask myself, "Do I want discontent, or do I want peace?" If I want peace, I will list my complaints, ask my Higher Power to handle them, and declare a moratorium on thinking about them. I will enjoy my day.

Pg 264

Both partners must accept responsibility for the health or dysfunction of their coupleship. All of us bring our own addictions, personalities, family-of-origin messages, and various individual dysfunctions into the relationship. The coupleship does not create the dysfunctions. Both partners contribute to the nature of the coupleship.

This does not mean that we are responsible for any addictive or dysfunctional behavior on our partners' parts. Those behaviors are their responsibility and reflect choices that they make in order to cope with feelings. Both of us are responsible for the presence or absence of intimacy. As soon as each of us accepts responsibility, we are ready for the First Step of RCA: "We admitted we were powerless over our relationship-that our life together had become unmanageable."

A paradox in Twelve-Step work is that we surrender to win. When we surrender and admit that we are powerless over our coupleship, we can begin to detach from it. As we examine our coupleship in the Step One questions, we begin to see our own part, and our partner's part, with more compassion. We start to listen really listen-to each other. We see that responsibility is not blame, but rather a foundation for change. As our couple- ship transforms, we increasingly embrace responsibility as the door to freedom from the bondage of the past.

Our commitment today

Today we will each share one thing we did that contributed to the dysfunction of our coupleship. We will strive to hear each other with openness and compassion.

My commitment today

Today I will search for the truth about my behavior. I will acknowledge my part without shaming myself. I will ask myself what I can do differently in the future, and then ask for help in changing my behavior.

Pg 265 - 266

A fisherman baits his hook-choosing the lure that will be irresistible-a lure big enough to command interest, yet not be obvious. He knows that the hidden hook, once taken, will ensure control of the fish. Similarly, an individual who chooses to make statements to trigger a particular response is also using a lure to fish for a reaction. The purpose is to ensure control of the partner. For example: a wife (with no intention of tearing out wallpaper) may ask her partner if he will be gone all day by stating, "That should be long enough for me to take down the cabinets and remove the wall paper," (just to see her partner's reaction). She hopes that he will be reminded to focus on her and return sooner, worried that she is destroying the kitchen while he is gone.

Baiting and "button-pushing" statements reward us with attention and control of our partner. Triggering buttons can be a look, gesture, or words that cause shame, fear, or anger in our partner. Our "buttons" are wired to wounds or memories from the past-some so long ago that their origin is forgotten. By refraining from button-pushing and baiting statements, we act to preserve the safety of our coupleships. In the "blame" game, we need to win at any cost. Manipulative behaviors create an ongoing battle for control. The goal of a healthy coupleship is winning with our partner, not winning at the expense of our partner. Respecting our partner's vulnerability is an act of maturity, and allows a partnership of greater trust and love to develop.

Our commitment today

Today we will reaffirm that we are on the same team, trying to work as equal partners to solve our problems.

My commitment today

Today I will restrain my desire to use baiting or button-pushing statements. I will discuss ways that we can deal with our touchy topics using healthy communication tools. If I think I am being baited, I will ask what my partner is feeling and needs, instead of reacting by taking the bait.

Pg 267 - 268

In a world that bombards us with visions of what we have yet to "get," we may fail to be fully aware of the goodness we already have. Many of us experienced a sense of relief after our first few RCA meetings, when we realized that other couples knew what we were going through. We began to sense that others in the group shared our most ominous problems, and had resolved them and moved on to happier lives. We were finally with people who understood us. We learned to call this feeling that we were home "couple gratitude."

Many of us had tried all manner of treatments to get our coupleships on track. Some of us had read self-help books. Some of us had gone to therapists and counselors. Yet it wasn't until we found the RCA program that we had the tools we needed. Though Twelve-Step programs for individuals had been around since AA started, before RCA there had been no attempts to adapt these Steps for couples. When we look into the faces of our children and no longer see the fear that went with membership in our dysfunctional family relationships, we are grateful.

When we can disagree with our partners and yet continue our lives together in love, trust, and respect, we are grateful. When we are together and feel just wonderful and proud of our relationships, we have gratitude. When we can nurture and be nurtured without fear of "who's giving the most," we are grateful. We can express our gratitude by sharing our joy and by helping others find their way to and in RCA through our words, deeds, and resources.

Our commitment today

Today we will think about the gifts of our coupleship. We will acknowledge ourselves-as a couple-for taking the actions required for these gifts to materialize. We will each express appreciation for something our partner has done for our well-being.

My commitment today

Today I will commit to having "less attitude and more gratitude." I will share my joy by helping others.

Pg 269 - 270

Twelve-Step programs call the process "work." We work our program. We work the Steps. We work with our sponsor couple. Work involves action.

Reading about couple recovery is very good and is necessary. Studying the materials is beneficial. But nothing is accomplished until we put this knowledge into action. All the Steps require us to act with our partners.

Action is both internal and external. Action provides the experience that makes new knowledge and behavior "stick," becoming our new, positive belief system. Many of us came to RCA with "frozen" relationship skills-repeated unsuccessful relationship behaviors. Yet over and over we expected and hoped for a different result. Now, we see that new action is required. We see from other, more experienced RCA couples the attitudes that new actions bring. By going to meetings and working with our sponsor couples we become more confident in our new skills. The more we act in a manner consistent with the principles of the program, the more we will experience healing in our coupleships and ourselves. Actions with positive results generate new enthusiasm for more new action. All the good intentions in the world are not worth the results of just one positive action. Action is the proof of our new thought and beliefs. Action is how we express our love to each other. Action is how we provide role models for our children. We return our coupleships to commitment and intimacy through action.

Our commitment today

Today we will celebrate one action we have taken that has had positive results. We will examine our life together to find another action we can take in recovery, and consider what positive results would follow.

My commitment today

Today I will look within myself for an individual action that should have a positive influence on my coupleship. I will take this action, keep it secret in my heart, and leave the results up to my Higher Power.

Pg 271 - 272

It is not uncommon for two people, each with excellent individual recovery, to be together and yet find themselves in the most conflicted and dysfunctional relationship imaginable! We may have worked hard on our character defects but find the fur is flying in our life together.

A major gift of working the RCA program is that we have the opportunity to fully see and experience those parts of our personality that need healing. Coupleship is the proving ground in which we try to resolve our conflicting character defects.

Individually we work on our own healing, and our partners work on theirs. We should know by now that "it takes two to tango" (or "tangle"). Where we find problems with our partner, we find our own issues. We remember RCA's Step Ten, "We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it to our partner and to others we had harmed." So now when issues come up, we see that they are probably just a new coat of paint on an old whipping post.

Having experienced great healing through working RCA's Twelve Steps, we know the solution does not come from reacting in the same old ways. If we do things the way we've always done them, we can expect the same results.

Our awareness now gives us the courage to give the gift of owning up to our mistakes. When we say, "I'm sorry, I was mistaken" to our partners and then make every effort to refrain from that mistake again, we give the loving gift that breaks the cycle. It gives our partner the opportunity to act differently too-to respond with love and forgiveness. And there can be no greater gift.

Our commitment today

Today we will embrace awareness of the conflicts within our coupleship, knowing that acknowledging them without shame and blame is the first step in our transformational process in RCA.

My commitment today

Today I dare to admit my mistakes, first to myself, and then to my partner, in language that honors me, my partner, and the possibility of progress in our program.

Pg 273 - 274

Oh no! It's the "big C" word. It's the dreaded bane of all things that we hold so personally dear, such as our individuality. If we commit, that will surely be the end of us as unique individuals. Most of us had similar fears when we entered our coupleships.

So, to counter those fears, we may well have "mouthed" the words of commitment but deep down given ourselves escape plans. "If things get too bad, I can always leave (have an affair, get a divorce, kill myself [or my partner], go insane, go back to Mom and Dad, and so forth)." But a commitment is not a contract that comes with an escape clause. It is a pledge, based on our own honor as a human being, to live up to our words. There is no negotiating with commitment. There is no "have your lawyer and my lawyer work out the details."

Commitment is one of the finest gifts human beings can give. Commitment comes after much consideration and goes to the heart of being fully human-no matter what, we are in this process together. With commitment the most amazing thing can happen: intimacy! With intimacy, we are more fully able to explore who we ourselves can be. Though it may seem strange, this fact remains; with commitment comes freedom-the freedom to fully be ourselves.

Our commitment today

Today we will review our commitment. Is it steady? Do we trust the Higher Power of our coupleship as well as the RCA program of recovery to work for us?

My commitment today

Today I will let go of my fear of commitment. I will "act as if" my commitment is safe in the hands of my Higher Power without any thoughts of leaving.

Pg 275

Life with our partners brings to the surface those facets of ourselves that need emotional healing. When we come together, we each bring with us belief systems formed in our families of origin. The belief systems we bring to the coupleship may never be entirely compatible with those of our partner because our individual wounds are different.

Some members of the helping professions think that we actually attract people who will clash with our belief systems that need to be altered. This view sees relationship conflict as a path to becoming a better human being. What is certain is that experiencing conflict in our coupleships is inevitable. We can look at conflict with our partner as a negative thing or we can see it as an opportunity to change ourselves and the coupleship for the better.

Discovering why we are feeling angry or upset with our partners often leads us to places in our past where we have unresolved issues. In our Tenth Step, we can keep our side of the coupleship clean by taking responsibility for our personal upsets. To keep our coupleship in balance, we can resolve these issues in our individual recovery program or with a therapist or spiritual advisor. By learning to work through these conflicts with our partner in a mature way, using the tools of RCA such as a Fair Fighting Contract, we begin healing old personal wounds as well as our coupleship.

Our commitment today

Today we will review our Fair Fighting Contract (or Conflict Resolution Contract). Are we honoring our agreements? What help do we need from our support systems to turn conflict into a positive solution?

My commitment today

Today I will look at my part in handling conflict. If I am avoiding or denying, I will ask for courage. If I am reacting in anger and striking out, I will work on this with my individual support system.

Pg 276 - 277

Some people choose partners not because they are so much alike, but often because of something that they admire in the other, or that is complementary. Nevertheless, as life goes on we may find ourselves at odds with our partner, sometimes for the same qualities we first found so attractive! Perhaps we like to plan for the future, but our partner wants to live each moment to its fullest. As months or even years pass, we find ourselves saying, "If only you could be more like me."

Contrary to popular belief, there are no perfectly matched couples. Many of us participate in RCA because we realize that we have our own family-of-origin issues that may get in the way of a successful coupleship. Some of us entered our coupleships with the illusion that our coupleship and our partner would be a certain way. The more we try to encourage our partner to change, the more our communication will tend to break down. We become frustrated, lonely, angry, and resentful.

Our commitment today

Today we will practice valuing differences within our couple- ship, knowing that these differences make us stronger as a team.

My commitment today

Today I will first work on acceptance of myself and then expand this acceptance to include my partner. I will embrace the unique qualities that my partner possesses. I will look to see one way my differences complement my partner, and one way my partner's differences complement me.

Pg 278

Most of us were filled with anger and resentment. Each day brought incidents that ignited our anger and continued as resentments. No incident was too trivial to stir up these seething emotions, driving out respect for our partner. We thought the resultant emotional wasteland was our partner's fault. But our problem was spiritual bankruptcy. Rather than taking responsibility for our own problems, we would transfer (project) our uncomfortable emotions onto our partners by finding fault. We were then relieved of the responsibility of changing ourselves.

Early in recovery, we began to learn to be responsible for our own feelings. Other people weren't responsible for our feelings. It was just that we had allowed others to control our emotions. We realized it was almost as much an error to take offense as to give offense. But by taking responsibility for our own emotions, we took back control of our own happiness.

Now that we are beginning to maintain a spiritual relationship with our Higher Power, we are beginning to be happy. If our partner seems to be annoying, the solution is less with our partner than in regaining a personal relationship with our Higher Power. We change our relationship with our partner by changing ourselves rather than our partner. Then we can love our partner again. Without projecting our own insecurities onto our partner, the person we admired and loved in the beginning is back again. This is the miracle!

Our commitment today

Today we will affirm as a couple that our happiness as individuals and as a couple flows from our relationship with a power greater than ourselves.

My commitment today

Today I will look to my Higher Power for my happiness, in order to free myself to be a friend and companion to my partner.

Pg 279

Twelve-Step recovery bolsters our ability to let go of despair. Learning to turn over our hopelessness to our Higher Power, even when there seems no end to our pain, is a blessing we receive each time we are willing to remember The Promises of RCA.

We hear that we come into relationships for a reason-to learn lessons about life and ourselves. We try to be mindful of these lessons, and purposefully to offer gratitude for the presence of our partner in our life. Each day we can look at the events in our life to see how they have served their purpose: to help teach us the lessons we need to learn on our spiritual journey.

Our commitment today

Today when we begin to feel overwhelmed, we will work the RCA program. Instead of sliding into despair, we will trust our Higher Power.

My commitment today

Today I will strive to accept the things I do not understand by remembering that things happen that I cannot control.

Pg 280

Before we came into recovery, most of us couldn't trust any- one-much less our partner. Where once we had seen perfection, our partner had become someone who was not reliable- someone who lied, concealed, misled, and behaved in ways we could not trust. Where had that person gone who was accepting, full of love, and nurturing, making us feel good by just being there?

Early recovery was a shock. We learned there were no "perfect" partners. The process of being "in love" had blinded us to our partner's faults. What we experienced were other human beings seen through our distorted perceptions as perfect.

Our conceptions of trust were from our early childhoods when parents were experienced as trustworthy people, able to make us feel good whatever was going on. We tried to put our partners on that same pedestal. Finally, we learned we needed a spiritual connection, there whenever we needed it. No human could do that.

How much easier it is to get along with our partners now. We no longer need to put our partners on pedestals (or make them scapegoats). We are attempting to have relationships with human beings-not people who constantly let us down in our attempts to make them our Higher Power. We can develop equal relationships. We can trust our partners as humans who love us.

Our commitment today

Today we will look at our coupleship disappointments. Have idealism and unrealistic expectations set us up for a fall? We will select an affirmation that is realistic for us.

My commitment today

Today I will treat my partner as my equal, a worthy human being like me with many fine traits and room to grow.

Pg 281

When we first began attending RCA meetings we didn't really distinguish between using the words "relationship" or "couple- ship" to describe what we were together. However, with time in RCA we came to appreciate that RCA sees a significant difference in the two terms.

A "relationship" can be, and frequently is, a "one-sided" attachment. I can have a relationship with a person, a pet, a possession, or even a job. However, in RCA, a "coupleship" is a much more dynamic relationship. It is a relationship characterized by mutual reciprocity. When two people freely "choose" to be in partnership not only for their own benefit, but to benefit their partner, they have entered into a coupleship. They develop mutual goals and share a vision.

Whenever two people commit to form a coupleship it initiates a couple dynamic that is independent of the two individuals. This can become greater than simply the sum of what they each bring to the relationship. This coupleship develops a life of its own, and being dynamic, it will change in ways that are sometimes predictable and sometimes unpredictable. The "Promises" tell us some of the more predictable changes many of us will experience by following the RCA program. When a couple commits to working the Steps together, they set their coupleship along a spiritual path.

Our commitment today

Today we will work together to transform our relationship into a coupleship, a partnership with shared goals and vision. We will share our excitement for both the predictable and unpredictable changes that lie ahead.

My commitment today

Today I will set aside my expectations of what my relationship with my partner should look like. I will be open to the evolving process as we work the Steps of RCA together and our couple- ship develops along a more spiritual path.

Pg 282 - 283

Before recovery, "fun" was euphoria induced by alcohol, drugs, or sex, usually with the mistaken perception we had control over ourselves, our partner, or others. Everyday life was dull and boring, but "fun" made it livable. Even as the pain increased, we could not see that we were isolated from ourselves, our partner, and our Higher Power.

Then the consequences of our behaviors made it clear that something was terribly wrong! We had to change our lives. We began to change ourselves through individual recovery programs and our coupleship through the RCA program. Early recovery was difficult, and generally lacked anything like fun, but we were able to find some peace and serenity with ourselves and as couples in the fellowship of recovering people. As we worked the Steps, we began to experience a sense of belonging we had never felt before.

However, many of us were still biased toward work. We still had to learn how to play and have fun together. With practice and time, laughter, spontaneity, and happiness have begun to enter our lives. This is a part of our RCA balance. We have come to prefer our real happiness now to what we had before.

Our commitment today

Today as a couple we will explore the times we have had fun together. We will make time for these activities in our lives.

My commitment today

Today I will appreciate spontaneity and playful attitudes in my partner and myself. I give myself permission to enjoy life.

Pg 284

Before we found recovery, we tried to control events and people around us as best we could. We would be OK if only things went our way-the right way. We had to control the future so we could be OK when we got there. How much needless expenditure of time and effort went into trying to control! Back then, the most effective way of dealing with any subject was worrying about it.

Recovery, particularly Step Three, introduced an idea that seemed impossible. The secret to being OK was not in controlling what was going to happen, but in taking care of ourselves so we could be OK regardless of what would happen! What a radical idea that was!

In practice, we have found that keeping from being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT) keeps us out of a lot of misery. Regular attendance at our RCA meeting is a big help. Having a sponsor couple and sponsoring other couples helps us to keep our focus. Reading RCA literature keeps us in contact with proven guidelines. Service work gets us out of ourselves. If we are doing all these things, we will likely find we are OK as the future rolls around.

Our commitment today

Today we can take an inventory of the things we can change: taking care of ourselves personally and as a couple. We can affirm that as we do these things today, we can trust God to take care of the future.

My commitment today

Today I will dare to trust a Higher Power to care for me-and my partner-in the future. I will keep my attention on practicing the program principles, knowing that they will keep me in balance.

Pg 285

Many people misquote the old saying "Love of money is the root of all evil" as "Money is the root of all evil." As the actual saying posits, it is the importance that we attach to money that causes problems. Money itself can be used to harm or to benefit.

Issues surrounding money are one of the top three (along with sex and power) that vex coupleships. Working the Twelve Steps of RCA can help us understand that we are worthy of having our basic financial needs met and help us develop better attitudes regarding scarcity and plenty. As we release our emotional attachment to money, fear of economic insecurity begins to leave us.

In practice, it is less important how we decide to handle the coupleship's money than that we do decide and have a well thought-out plan. Some couples have joint accounts for paying bills as well as separate personal accounts. Others keep their money together and pay everything out of one account. Some couples have two accounts and each pays predetermined bills. The important thing is that whatever the arrangement, both individuals see themselves as members of a partnership and confront the issue of how money will be handled in the coupleship.

Many of us do not have the knowledge or the tools to be money experts. It is not uncommon for couples to seek outside help when money problems surface. Developing a personal and couple support system is also valuable. Praying together for knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us is a helpful way to begin any coupleship meeting in which money will be discussed.

Our commitment today

Today we will discuss our financial hopes and fears, and invite our Higher Power into our financial life.

My commitment today

Today I will examine my part in creating a safe, sound, and sane relationship with money.

Pg 286 - 287

My partner and I find that doing service is therapeutic to our coupleship. Sowing the seeds of recovery and doing service benefits us. If nothing else, it lets us see ourselves as part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Whether it is sponsorship, service on the RCA Board, taking a service position in our own meeting, telling others about RCA, or leaving literature at a Twelve-Step club, we benefit personally.

This is our fellowship! It is up to us to make RCA grow. Giving the gift of recovery is an integral part of the Twelve Steps. We ask ourselves, "Can we add another dollar to the basket? Can we talk to the new couple who came in or give them a call to ask why they haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks? Can we help our meeting find childcare or go to a meeting we've never been to before? Can we help a Board Committee with a project? Can we set up guidelines that are helpful to our meeting such as no cross-talk, shaming, or blaming? Can we sponsor another couple or lead a meeting or plan a non-meeting social event or a half-day RCA get-together? Can we organize a workshop? Can we plan a fellowship activity that members can invite their friends to?"

As a result of the spiritual awakening these Steps have provided, we try to carry this message to other couples and practice these principles in all aspects of our lives. And when we do this, the benefits will amaze us; the Promises we repeat at each meeting will come true in our lives if we work for them.

Our commitment today Today we can look at one way we can be of service, and commit to it. My commitment today Today I will take the initiative. I will call a Meeting of Two, or make an outreach call, or take a service commitment.

Our commitment today Today we can look at one way we can be of service, and commit to it. My commitment today Today I will take the initiative. I will call a Meeting of Two, or make an outreach call, or take a service commitment.

Our commitment today

Today we can look at one way we can be of service, and commit to it.

My commitment today

Today I will take the initiative. I will call a Meeting of Two, or make an outreach call, or take a service commitment.

Pg 288 - 289

Many of us have a dog that is so comfortable and trusting that it sleeps flat on its back in the middle of the floor with its legs all askew and doesn't even open an eye when we step over it. Now that's vulnerability! The dog trusts that-no matter what-we will not harm it. This kind of safety is what we strive for in cou- pleship. We want relationships in which we trust that our partner will never purposely harm us. The RCA Steps provide us a spiritual awakening for our coupleship. That is why we work the Twelve Steps together. Most of us have been hurt enough. Now we want something more nurturing-something safe.

Working the Twelve Steps allows us to practice being honest, open, and vulnerable with our partner. We are able to communicate our true feelings and express our deepest thoughts, and we discover that our partners don't judge us or leave us for being who we are. After we have completed the Steps, we continue to practice vulnerability by working the Tenth Step on a daily basis. We also pray and meditate together, which is a very intimate thing to do and enhances our vulnerability.

Some of us meet every day in our "Meeting of Two" to talk about how we've been feeling that day. Others have regular meetings. Many couples continue to meet with their sponsor couple. Many hold family meetings with their children and become role models for honesty, intimacy, and vulnerability. We are hopeful that the next generation will not be quite so fearful as many of us have been. They will receive a new legacy and grow up speaking and hearing the language of the heart.

Our commitment today

Today we will commit to using an RCA tool that helps us to be vulnerable.

My commitment today

Today I will inventory my ability to be vulnerable. I will commit to using an RCA tool that helps me to be vulnerable.

Pg 290 - 291

"That's not the way to do that!" Do we say these or similar words to our partners? Do we tell our partners they don't do things "right" and then try to tell them the "right" way? Is our way almost always the "right" way? And is their way almost always the "wrong" way?

If we constantly judge our partners by what we want them to do without understanding that as adults, they are perfectly capable of making decisions, then we are acting as critical parents. When parents constantly judge a child as inadequate or incapable, the child usually grows up with little self-esteem. As adults, particularly with critical partners, it takes a lot of emotional energy to overcome all of the negative input. Of course, everyone makes mistakes from time to time, but these are opportunities for learning. As partners, we need to let the people we love be adults by treating them as adults-not as children we need to parent. Pointing our fingers and playing the "You're not good enough" game will not change our partners for the better. It just drives a wedge between us and destroys any opportunity for intimacy.

Healthy adults allow each other to be themselves, and to learn their own lessons. How do people know if they act like critical parents? Well, just for one twenty-four-hour period, we could try to not say one critical thing to our partners. If we find ourselves stopping in mid-sentence or mid-thought, then we may be acting as critical parents. Awareness is the first step in turning this destructive behavior around.

Our commitment today

Today we will treat our partners with kindness, caring, and loving communication.

My commitment today

Today I will monitor my thoughts for criticism, note where I am judging my partner or myself, and reflect on how to be more accepting.

Pg 292 - 293

The three legs of our Recovery Stool (each person's individual recovery as well as the coupleship's recovery) are interdependent. Our personal recovery programs support us individually, which in turn supports our work on coupleship healing. Without personal, individual healing, it is difficult to fully participate in healing our coupleships. Coupleship healing not only supports couple intimacy, it also assists in our individual recoveries. Without some coupleship healing, our individual healing becomes more difficult, lacking a supportive environment. And without treating our coupleship as a distinct entity needing healing, it is difficult to heal either the coupleship or ourselves. Each leg is important to the whole-all interwoven, all interdependent. Without any one of these three legs, our lives tend to lose balance. We need all three legs for stability.

Our commitment today

Today we will discuss how our individual recoveries are helping to keep our coupleship alive and well.

My commitment today

Today I find ways to maintain my individual well-being-physically, emotionally, and spiritually-so I can be a healthy partner in my coupleship.

Pg 294

A wise man once said, "People on a spiritual path have a spiritual practice, and they practice their practice, and they are faithful to their practice, and their practice is faithful to them." As couples in RCA, we have begun a path of spiritual practice together. We have made a commitment to place the good of our coupleship above ourselves as individuals. In practice, our spiritual paths include such things as attending RCA meetings together, sharing at our local fellowships, working the Steps, and meeting with our sponsors. These practices open us up to healing. They help us share ourselves with our partner more intimately and honestly than we ever have before. So as a couple, we do our best to be faithful to our new spiritual practices together. We see how these practices have helped other couples, and that gives us new hope that we can be healed too, if we are committed to these spiritual practices. We try to maintain open minds, trusting in the process of the RCA program and its fellowship. Our faithfulness is demonstrated by our consistent practice. Today most of us are not the same as when we walked into our first RCA meeting. It doesn't usually happen overnight; in fact for some of us, it happens fairly slowly. A spiritual path is not a straight line. There are many peaks and valleys along the path. We can easily see that our valleys of today are much higher than our previous peaks. It is our commitment to these practices that has carried us out of some very desperate valleys. Such is the way of spiritual paths. Looking over our shoulders it is clear that the changes in each of us, and in our coupleship dynamics, have been achieved as a natural result of our Twelve- Step practices. As a result of being faithful to our coupleship's spiritual practices, our practices have been faithful to us, and the rewards are "beyond our wildest dreams."

Our commitment today

Today we will be grateful for the Promises of RCA that we have received. We will not forget the paths we have walked together from despair into hopefulness. We will renew our commitment to our spiritual practices by sharing with other members of the fellowship how it works for us.

My commitment today

Today I will do my part to ensure that I do not allow myself to rest on my laurels. I will remain steadfast to working the program and living my spiritual practice. I will do the footwork, trusting the process even if I see no immediate results.

Pg 295 - 296